I never start….
Well, sort of.
My cloud of depression has passed for now and although I can still feel it lurking in the corners of my psyche, waiting for another chance to get me, I did in fact make it through Christmas relatively unscathed, despite being kept away from my family due to work.
There are still some ongoing issues to face, with the demands of the boyfriends job, the demands of his sons mother, and the illness and rapid decline of my last remaining grandparent but I’m coping OK, (I think,) we shall just have to see.
It’s been a long hard week for me. In light of some other people’s situations that I have become aware of, my situation may seem inconsequential, but to me, right now, it has been hard.
Yesterday, the Boyfriend did a great thing in standing his ground against his boss and getting what was effectively his second day off in four months (excluding Sundays.)
It was possibly one of the best things he could have done, as the weight of facing another five days alone was beginning to bear down down on me like the most oppressive thing oppressing the lest most oppressive thing.
Today he has helped lift me enough to enable me to face the nest few days, enough of a boost to ‘get me through,’ almost like a addict getting his next hit, not knowing where or when his next hit will come from. I didn’t care, I was happy, he was trying, we were working at it.
There was a hiccup, to keep up the analogy, my dealer has been caught and my supply chain interrupted. My next ‘hit’ will not be as expected, but I took in the news and dealt with it as best as my currently limited self will allow.
Then it came, the phone call from my mother. My grandmother has been taken into a home for emergency care, after what appears to have been a second stroke, she is not safe enough to be left alone.
She’s there for two weeks , after which she either gets sent home with care, or moves to somewhere more permanent. At 94, I know it’s this right thing for her. I know it’s the right thing for my mother who has had to live looking after her as a parent to a child for many years now, but I am of the belief that we are not far from that time which we all dread.
As I try to retrieve myself from a place I know I do not want to be, it’s like just another sucker punch to the gut.
I hadn’t really thought about it, until I said it, but it really is true….
“I’m okay, while I am around people, but as soon as I am alone, that’s when it all goes wrong. The longer I spend alone, the more my confidence errodes.”
What is it about being alone for days at a time that drains every little bit of confidence from me? Even if I try going out I get nowhere, because I am still just somewhere on my own with no one to talk to….
How do you stop what you fight so hard to have every day from disappearing when you are alone? How do you hold on to it?
I have it in me, I’ve shown it this week. Why can’t I just make it stay?
The worst thing about really positive days is the blackness that comes after.
I’ve had two really good days this week. I have fought my fears and proved that no matter what I think or feel, things can be different.
Yesterday however I paid the price of high positivity with the worst day I have had in a long time.
To the point where I decided to end it all and started taking pills. I guess I should be grateful that at least a little bit of my brain still worked enough to stop me from taking too many, but I still don’t want to be here.
I am alone.
I cried out on twitter but no one heard, for the same reason I am alone in life, I am just as alone on there, people are too busy to care. Too wrapped up in their own lives and problems to care about mine, just as they are too busy to answer the texts and messages I send trying to keep in touch with them, and check how they are doing.
So I am still here for now. Tomorrow is another day, and at least as the blackness leaves me for now I am feeling slightly better, although I don’t know for how long. I am in an epic battle in my own head at the moment and I fear it is one I am losing….