“I couldn’t take on someone else’s kids, I’m too selfish”
It was something said to me in conversation a few days ago, and something that’s hit the nail on the head of how I’m feeling right now.
I always believed I could do it. Thought I was generous enough in spirit and had enough love to share that I could deal with it. Turns out I’m not, and I don’t.
Playing third violin in the orchestra of a relationship is a lonely place to be. You are behind the child, behind the demands of the mother, and unable to ask for the support of the father, because any such request always get’s the same response.
“How dare you think you are more important than my child?”
So what do you do when one person in a relationship puts a higher value than the other on their partner? When you know that the person you love will never put you first? For me, right now, the answer is,
“I don’t know”
Or maybe it’s just as simple as admitting I really am too selfish, and maybe that’s why I don’t and never will have kids of my own.
I had to say good bye to my poor wee boy today. He wasn’t even seven, and I miss him so much already.
This is the second Friday 13th of the year and they couldn’t have been more opposite.
The first was full of hope as I placed the deposit on this gorgeous flat, and started the next leg of this journey called life.
Today is full of despair. The vet has told me that my beautiful boy, has a stomach cavity full of lumps and is too pale and small to survive and anaesthetic, and even if he did she is doubtful that they could remove everything she can feel, so there is only one course of action.
I cannot stop crying.
With the new flat my responsibilities at home have increased.
At the same time I have had to increase my responsibilities at work in order to ‘raise my profile’.
The lack of communal furniture has seen a marked reduction in closeness, and I have had just four days off in the last four weeks and spent half of those looking after the four year old.
I am exhausted and trying to squeeze time for myself into a pattern that already gave me little time as it was, and the additional stress has meant that I am just a ball of emotion.
Or more accurately a ball of one emotion,
I am venting it left right and centre. Not to mention up, down and any which way including loose.
And everyone has noticed too….
Today’s method of procrastination?
Doing my usual thinking too much and overloading my brain, meaning attempting to do anything else is kinda pointless.