I shouldn’t be allowed to dress myself sometimes…..

because on days like today, this is what happens.

1. 4:30 of the AM

Get up.
Spend five minutes studying trousers thinking as I do so, “I don’t remember my work trousers having pockets.”
Try putting them on, then realising they don’t fit, start to panic that I’ve shrunk them in the dryer.
Spend five minutes continuing to try fitting into them, cursing myself a lot before it dawns on my that they aren’t actually my trousers.

2. 5:10 of the AM

Get in my car and spend several minutes readjusting everything as it was last driven by the other half, and wishing I could afford a car with memory seats.
Plug in my iPhone and iPod, start it up and set off. As I look at the house opposite my car park, I find I can’t read the sign by the door, 20 feet away from me. Realise I haven’t put in my contact lenses. Neither am I wearing my glasses. Life truly is a blur.

3. 2.45 of the PM

Get home from work.
Since I have nowhere else to go today, I decide to get changed into comfy clothes and veg out. This is when I realise my über comfy one piece support bra, really lives up to its name, as it appears I’ve been wearing it back to front all day.

As long as I don’t repeat myself tomorrow, I think I’ll be OK….. 😉

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In case I’m an arse again….

I’m posting this so that next time I’m finding things against me, you can all point me in its direction so I remember this….

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You see one year ago today, my diary read something like this.

…it turns out my glimmer of hope really was just some bastard with a torch.
My attempts to move my debt from my credit cards to a loan have failed. After spending two hours in the bank today, have failed.

The bank are currently saying ‘ha ha you can afford these expensive debts, so we’re not going to help you’.

Apparently it is more risky for my bank to give me a loan than it is to let me loose with the two credit cards I already have with them.

Unless of course I tell them I’m in financial difficulty when they are full, and then they’ll fall over backwards to help me. I’m taking preventative steps to stop that from happening and they don’t want me too. They would rather I got into trouble than actually stop me from getting into trouble in the first place.

So my dream of a house of my own is gone. I shall now have to line the pockets of someone else in order to have a place of my own.

One year ago tomorrow, my diary entry went something like this

I spent another two and a half hours in the bank this afternoon.

I had to go through the appeals process against the decision to not change my cards into a loan. I had a less than 10% chance of changing the decision. I knew I had to take it to keep my dreams alive.

There was a forty-five minute dog fight of a phone call between my bank manager and the referrals team. There was a lot of tense waiting and tweeting from me as I sat alone waiting for her to come back.

But.

I got it.

It cost me a little money, but I got it. Time to now move forward. Time to battle the next hurdle and hope it isn’t as hard. Time to see if I can get a mortgage</em>

Then, a mere eight weeks later came this…

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All going to prove that it is alright in the and, and reminding me that as The Boyfriend always says, I really do need to just

“have faith”

Erosion

I hadn’t really thought about it, until I said it, but it really is true….

“I’m okay, while I am around people, but as soon as I am alone, that’s when it all goes wrong. The longer I spend alone, the more my confidence errodes.”

What is it about being alone for days at a time that drains every little bit of confidence from me? Even if I try going out I get nowhere, because I am still just somewhere on my own with no one to talk to….

How do you stop what you fight so hard to have every day from disappearing when you are alone? How do you hold on to it?

I have it in me, I’ve shown it this week. Why can’t I just make it stay?

Well that was….

Not the day that I was expecting. The much anticipated and built up meeting was done and dusted in one hour and fifteen minutes with little in the way of conversation or questioning beyond, “oh you work there, do you?”

I felt a little let down.

But enough of the underwhelming meeting.

I have today navigated myself around London Town, on my own, and more importantly in the rush hour commute with just a couple of wobbles to show for it.

Wobble the first came as I was carried out of the late arriving train onto Paddington platform with little or no clue as to where I was going next, so I stood, centred myself and swore at my phone as I tried to work out which tube station I needed to get on, and where I was supposed to get off.

Wobble the second came as, once I had located where I needed to go to get on the tube, I waited on a cramped, people filled, tiny piece of platform (because of building works) and tried not to fall forwards onto the track.

Once on the train I actually impressed myself. Despite feeling like a more tightly packed thing in a vacuum packed packet of tightly packed things, and having the tube driver from hell, who insisted on violently jerking the train on a regular basis I made it where I needed to go.

After my meeting I discovered I was in luck with my timing of my trip. A twitter fiend I had been trying to meet up with for not just a long time, but the first time was also at work, and was less than a five minute walk from where I had been at my meeting.

It was not only nice to meet up and have something to do while I waited the four hours for my train home, but it also gave me a purpose, a place to go. I think if I had been at a loose end and simply meandering around to kill time I would probably have had a few more wobbles. Simply because it would be too much to cope with being in a busy, crowded place, alone, for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

So I enjoyed the best two hours I have ever spent in a tuve station. Sitting drinking tea in the back office, chatting over everything and anything, while watching the daily life of a tube station on the CCTV monitors.

After that I did something I do alot, but didn’t think I’d ever do, if that makes sense. I went off to the pub alone for lunch. I don’t usually think about it because it’s something I do all the time at home, but a strange pub, by a tube station in the middle of London, I had once thought was a never going to happen scenario.

Hiding behind my laptop and the pubs free wi-fi, I grabbed a quick snack, treated myself to a pint of beer and whiled away another quick 45 minutes before heading for my train home.

I did feel a wave of apprehension beginning to build again as entered the station and tried to work out where my train home was going to be, but it soon passed.

Now I’m on the train.

I am on my way home. My feelings are mixed. It feels strange to have coped so well on my own. It feels good, but it also makes me wonder why I have been so nervy in the past, and why I can’t do it so well when I have people with me.

I don’t know is the honest answer, but for now I am going to be happy with being better. Better for knowing that it really isn’t so scary after all and yes, I can do it all on my own.

Time flies.

And so does life.

Today is six months since I doodled this.

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I was sat, for the second day in a row, in a tiny stuffy room at the bank, waiting to hear if the appeal against the rejection if my loan application had been successful.

It was a momentous day, a life changing decision. A yes or no meant the difference between me being stuck in a rental rut, or being a homeowner once more.

I had a less than ten percent chance of success, and the pessimist in me would not allow myself to get my hopes up, so this is what I did as I waited nervously for an answer.

Thankfully all was well, and eight weeks later I was a homeowner once more.

Where has the time gone?

It seems five minutes since I was fighting for things to go my way, and yet it already feels like I’ve lived here forever.

Reflecting

There’s always something about death, that makes you reflect upon life, and your ability to live it. We all know and understand that passing is a fact of life that touches us all.

However, there is something about a sudden and unexpected passing that makes us realise how fleeting our life experience could be, and how we really do need to learn to make to most of each day.

A colleague passed away, quickly and unexpectedly yesterday. Today, I am sending my thoughts, wishes, and prayers to his family, as this is the second massive loss they have suffered in the last three months.

I am also reflecting, on the good things I have, and making the most of this day, because tomorrow, is tomorrow, and there is always a chance those things could change.