I’m not counting honest.

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Ok so I am already stupidly excited about the fact we are having a trip away, simply because it has almost (and will have been by the time we go) been three years since the Boyfriend and I actually left the country*, and this break away to Iceland for IcelandNoir, is an unexpected trip abroad

But there are plenty of other reasons I am looking forward to going too.  On the personal side there are several good friends of mine who will also be there, and the chance to spend even a few hours sat with a drink, or maybe a meal, just chatting away will be fabulous, due to the fact that I don’t get to see any of them on a regular basis as they all live in Yorkshire or above, and it’s a bit of a trek from the cotswolds to see them.

On the fanboi side, there is Arnaldur Indridason, for a start.  I have loved his books since I first read Silence of the Grave his second Detective Erlendur novel a couple of years ago and his latest book Strange Shores simply blew me away. ( You can find my review of it for CrimeSquad Here in the November reviews) Whilst no fanboi moment I have again in my life will live up to the moment I got to meet Stan Lee, I’m quite sure that meeting Indridason, will be up there in my top ten author moments.

Then of course there is the bucket list.  Not for me per se, but certainly for the other half.  Visiting Reykjavik has been on his bucket list for quite some time as has seeing the Northern Lights (aurora borialis) which is an amazing sight, and certainly something everyone should see once in their lifetime given the opportunity, and we have a trip out to look for them while we are there.

Then there is everything else that we are going to try and fit in during the rest of the time we are there.  Ooh, it’s going to be fun, and yes I can’t wait.

*no our recent trips to Scotland and Wales don’t count! 😛

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Positive thinking

Everyone is always saying that I need to concentrate on looking forward to the good things that are going to happen instead of worrying about the bad that may never happen.

It’s a good piece of advice and one I must admit to following a long time ago, and sadly letting lapse somewhat with the problems of recent years. If I’m honest my problems at present are no where near as massive as they were, but in the aftermath are harder to overcome because I am not used to dealing with the ‘little stuff’, and because a lot of the coping mechanisms I used before the stress seem to have been long forgotten.

So I’m going back to an age old method. Way back when, whenever I was looking forward to something I had a little Excel spreadsheet on my computer that would calculate the number of days I had to wait until the ‘next’ thing I was looking forward to would arrive. Now in the days of Smartphones, it’s much easier, so today I installed an app on my phone to remind me in the dark days of the good days ahead.

So far, so good.

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Now just to plan something a little further ahead….

A tiny little glimmer

Of hope, of strength. of something.

Don’t get me wrong, despite all of my outbursts, and the blackest of days I am a strong person.

I know because of where I am now, after everything I’ve gone through over the last few years. I’ve gone from having everything worth having, home, marriage, lifestyle, and a reasonable amount of disposable income. To nothing, no home, no marriage, no money etc. etc. I won’t go on, I’ve been there, done that and bought the t-shirt, towel, and souvenir snow globe, but if you’ve been through divorce then, you know.

However, despite the fact I’m still deeply indebted to the blasted banks due to the ex, I have managed to get myself a brand new home, and get back on the property ladder. I’ve built a new life with a new man, which in itself has been extremely difficult and challenging due to my own selfishness and insecurities that stem from my failed marriage. I’ve also done a lot of growing and changing, and I’ve done it all on my own, because the stubborn part of me that comes from my Grandmother won’t allow me to ask for help, it just expects you to know when I need it, and if you don’t? Well hell, you’re all rubbish, and sod you I’ll do it on my own anyway, I always do.

Yet still I suffer the darkness, there are things I want in life, goals to achieve, that I can’t have or won’t let myself have. I feel I am ‘undeserving’ and that I’m not entitled to be good at what I do, that I am not the sort of person good things happen too, and I never will ‘amount’ to anything.

Then there are moments, like today, when I’m driving home in my car and since I’ve just finished the book I’m listening to I switch to music, and I sing along loudly and badly to something I love and a strange little feeling creeps over me, just for a fleeting moment. I feel positiveness, happiness and hope.

I am just as worthy of success as anyone else.

I am just as capable of achieving my goals as anybody else.

I can do this.

It only ever lasts a minute, but for that minute I am a god. For a tiny glimmer of a moment I can do anything I set my mind too, and no one is going to stand in my way because I deserve this as much as anyone else.

Now, how do I make that moment last a lifetime?