Of hope, of strength. of something.
Don’t get me wrong, despite all of my outbursts, and the blackest of days I am a strong person.
I know because of where I am now, after everything I’ve gone through over the last few years. I’ve gone from having everything worth having, home, marriage, lifestyle, and a reasonable amount of disposable income. To nothing, no home, no marriage, no money etc. etc. I won’t go on, I’ve been there, done that and bought the t-shirt, towel, and souvenir snow globe, but if you’ve been through divorce then, you know.
However, despite the fact I’m still deeply indebted to the blasted banks due to the ex, I have managed to get myself a brand new home, and get back on the property ladder. I’ve built a new life with a new man, which in itself has been extremely difficult and challenging due to my own selfishness and insecurities that stem from my failed marriage. I’ve also done a lot of growing and changing, and I’ve done it all on my own, because the stubborn part of me that comes from my Grandmother won’t allow me to ask for help, it just expects you to know when I need it, and if you don’t? Well hell, you’re all rubbish, and sod you I’ll do it on my own anyway, I always do.
Yet still I suffer the darkness, there are things I want in life, goals to achieve, that I can’t have or won’t let myself have. I feel I am ‘undeserving’ and that I’m not entitled to be good at what I do, that I am not the sort of person good things happen too, and I never will ‘amount’ to anything.
Then there are moments, like today, when I’m driving home in my car and since I’ve just finished the book I’m listening to I switch to music, and I sing along loudly and badly to something I love and a strange little feeling creeps over me, just for a fleeting moment. I feel positiveness, happiness and hope.
I am just as worthy of success as anyone else.
I am just as capable of achieving my goals as anybody else.
I can do this.
It only ever lasts a minute, but for that minute I am a god. For a tiny glimmer of a moment I can do anything I set my mind too, and no one is going to stand in my way because I deserve this as much as anyone else.
Now, how do I make that moment last a lifetime?