Two weeks

So it’s that time again where I get two weeks off work after four weeks of practically no time off at all. My usual pattern is 4 days off in 28 then 17 days off, I’m currently at 3 days off in 29 with 15 days due to me, providing I don’t get called in to help out again.

That said, the question is, what do I do with those fifteen days of work freedom? My usual activities include descending slowly into madness and loneliness before having an explosive meltdown all over the interweb. This is something I’d like to avoid, but for the moment I am unsure how….

A tiny little glimmer

Of hope, of strength. of something.

Don’t get me wrong, despite all of my outbursts, and the blackest of days I am a strong person.

I know because of where I am now, after everything I’ve gone through over the last few years. I’ve gone from having everything worth having, home, marriage, lifestyle, and a reasonable amount of disposable income. To nothing, no home, no marriage, no money etc. etc. I won’t go on, I’ve been there, done that and bought the t-shirt, towel, and souvenir snow globe, but if you’ve been through divorce then, you know.

However, despite the fact I’m still deeply indebted to the blasted banks due to the ex, I have managed to get myself a brand new home, and get back on the property ladder. I’ve built a new life with a new man, which in itself has been extremely difficult and challenging due to my own selfishness and insecurities that stem from my failed marriage. I’ve also done a lot of growing and changing, and I’ve done it all on my own, because the stubborn part of me that comes from my Grandmother won’t allow me to ask for help, it just expects you to know when I need it, and if you don’t? Well hell, you’re all rubbish, and sod you I’ll do it on my own anyway, I always do.

Yet still I suffer the darkness, there are things I want in life, goals to achieve, that I can’t have or won’t let myself have. I feel I am ‘undeserving’ and that I’m not entitled to be good at what I do, that I am not the sort of person good things happen too, and I never will ‘amount’ to anything.

Then there are moments, like today, when I’m driving home in my car and since I’ve just finished the book I’m listening to I switch to music, and I sing along loudly and badly to something I love and a strange little feeling creeps over me, just for a fleeting moment. I feel positiveness, happiness and hope.

I am just as worthy of success as anyone else.

I am just as capable of achieving my goals as anybody else.

I can do this.

It only ever lasts a minute, but for that minute I am a god. For a tiny glimmer of a moment I can do anything I set my mind too, and no one is going to stand in my way because I deserve this as much as anyone else.

Now, how do I make that moment last a lifetime?

It’s certainly an odd feeling

“I couldn’t take on someone else’s kids, I’m too selfish”

It was something said to me in conversation a few days ago, and something that’s hit the nail on the head of how I’m feeling right now.

I always believed I could do it. Thought I was generous enough in spirit and had enough love to share that I could deal with it. Turns out I’m not, and I don’t.

Playing third violin in the orchestra of a relationship is a lonely place to be. You are behind the child, behind the demands of the mother, and unable to ask for the support of the father, because any such request always get’s the same response.

“How dare you think you are more important than my child?”

So what do you do when one person in a relationship puts a higher value than the other on their partner? When you know that the person you love will never put you first? For me, right now, the answer is,

“I don’t know”

Or maybe it’s just as simple as admitting I really am too selfish, and maybe that’s why I don’t and never will have kids of my own.

Reflections

I’m sat in my flat, and looking at my walls.

I still can’t believe I am where I am. In a flat that I am buying, and so lining my own pockets instead of those of others. The rapidity of the changes still hasn’t sunk in either. It’s still barely 15 weeks since I looked forlornly at the “For Sale” signs I would see littering my journey to work, and inwardly cry “if only”.

It all changed with a chance conversation, and after eight weeks of highs and lows I had my keys. Now I’ve been living in my walls for six weeks. There are blinds up at windows, soft carpets to walk on, a huge bath to soak in, and finally a massive sofa to curl up on.

Which is where I am right now. Tea in hand, tears on my cheeks. Happy tears.

It’s been a tumultuous and emotional three year journey to get here where I am.

At home.

My Home.

Chris Addison

I could sit here and wax lyrical about his surprisingly energetic performance, his well researched and great local gags, or his hilarious meanderings off topic, but I’m fairly sure that’s the sort of thing that most people will tell you all about, when reviewing his current tour.

All I will say, is the one thing that struck me most about his performance, and which I tweeted during the interval.

The best thing about the whole performance was to see that no matter how long he has been on this tour, he is still getting just as much fun and enjoyment out of performing as we were out of watching.

Absolutely brilliant.